Apathy, panic and a blessing in disguise

My favorite husband and I headed out to my last chemotherapy session yesterday for the ovarian cancer. It was snowing, which lifted my spirits a bit- but I was apathetic and tired, tired tired, as the steroids had kept me up much of the night - tossing and turning. He dropped me off, and went to run errands for an hour or so, while my pretreatment would presumably be happening.

The nurse said my CA125 was 25. Another increase. Still within normal limits, but not heading the direction I want it to. Then she told me that the pain I have in my side is a concern to the doctor, and that he did not want me to have the chemo until he had examined me. She said my blood tests were all fine (including my liver enzymes - and the pain is in the area of my liver). Of course, he doesn't come into the office until the afternoon. This freaked me right out! If I didn't get the chemo that day, I would not have it until after the new year. I have had my heart set on finishing THIS YEAR and not dragging it on into 2008. So, I did what any tired, bald and disappointed person would do - I burst into tears. The kind nurse pulled me into a private room until I calmed down (quickly, thankfully!) She told me to come back at 1 - and that I would be the first to see the doctor. She said that they could probably still treat me if he cleared me for chemo.

I called my husband to pick me up - and explained what happened. He also calmed me down - by taking me out to breakfast :) (he knows the way to my heart - that's for sure!) Then we ran some errands (mostly to keep me from worrying about the appointment).

The doc examined me, and couldn't feel anything. I knew it was nothing - and wish I had never mentioned it. BUT because it was in the general area where the ovarian cancer was removed, and because it felt to be my liver, I am glad I mentioned it just in case. I feel like I'm turning into a hypochondriac! :) By this time, it was near 2, and they said they could treat me! YIPPPEEEE! No more apathy regarding this last treatment - now I was excited! Hence, the blessing in disguise part of the title.

I found out during my treatment, that it was the kind chemo nurses who said they would stay late at the office, to ensure that I would be treated. They usually leave at 5, but because of me, stayed until a little after 6 pm. The staff there is just so kind. I think they understood my crazy notion that I had to finish this year - HAD to!

So now the chemotherapy is over, and once the side effects are done (should be better by Thursday), I will be back on my way to normal. Maybe a different type of normal now that I have gone through all of this. Maybe more patient? Definitely more understanding of those with illnesses.

But I know I am not done with this, and won't be for a long time. I have to set an appointment in four weeks to see the oncologist, who will order blood tests, and a CT or CAT scan. Once those are done, another visit with the gynecological oncologist (the expert) for his review and suggestions. I think I will have appointments every three months for a while. Oh - I also have to have my chest port flushed out every three months, to keep it from being blocked. I am glad I picked a place close to home for the treatment! The doc initially said I should keep the port in for five years, due to the high rate of ovarian cancer recurrence. I'm hoping to have it out in two to three years and to never have to use it again for chemotherapy. But, I'm going day by day.

You buy the ticket - you take the ride (Hunter S. Thompson)